Haruspex

Why did Constantinople get the works? That's nobody's business but the Turks'

Oct 15, 2024

“Entrail Divination” by Sophie Woelfling

Sokak kedisi is what the people of Istanbul call our stray cats, and there are more than 200,000 of them in this city. Felis catus, this happy creature, is left unmolested here, to roam where it will. The citizens of this great metropolis treat their kitties with respect and forbearance, and we wouldn’t allow any harm to befall their blessed little selves.

But in the last week of August this year a violent disturbance was registered in this tranquil and felicitous situation. Some monstrous person was tearing out the innards of these unsuspecting felines, leaving their guts strewn all over the public highway. Here! Right here! On this very street, on August 28^th, for instance, two cats were found eviscerated – not, indeed, defeated in cultural-political debate, but literally so, actually disembowelled, with their intestinal remains scattered all about!

Yes, madam, shocking indeed. Yes sir, well might you rage and swear vengeance. So did we all when we found out about it. It raised a mighty kerfuffle, let me assure you.

Now, over here, if you look to your right, is the statue of Emperor Constantine – what, madam? Did they ever catch the kitty-killer? Funny you should ask.

A week or so into these hideous attacks, a note was received. Written in Ecclesiastical Latin, and signed ‘Haruspex’. In case you are unaware, sir, a haruspex is a pagan priest or diviner charged with telling the future by reading the entrails of animal sacrifices. Kitty-cats in this case, atrocious as it may seem.

Are you sure you want to hear all about this, and not the history of the founding of Constantinople by the great emperor? My time is limited, as you know. Well, then, it seems that Haruspex was privy to some terrible prophecy which she – for we learned by handwriting analysis and certain grammatical features that the writer was female – was seeking to impart to us.

All the feline slaughter, then, was far from gratuitous. For by these means Haruspex discovered that the end times were imminent. That certain, let us say, political forces, were plotting a ‘false flag’ attack to enhance their own power by steering us into a dangerous war.

We paid these notes no heed. Clearly this Haruspex, though a learned and erudite person, was no more than a kook, a crazy anti-cat lady. And our political leadership is beyond reproach, doubtless and for sure dedicated to the security and wellbeing of their people.

New laws were introduced, making the mutilation of street animals an offense. What, sir? Yes, indeed, we already had such laws but now they were strengthened. Hurting cats would be a matter of extreme seriousness under law, punishable by stringent and absolute penalties. As our leader liked to state: “the judgement swift, but the punishment slow and excruciating”. Anything for the kitties, yes ma’am.

But this didn’t stop the outrages! Far from it, the attacks multiplied, all exactly the same. Guts strewn about, notes warning of imminent attacks, attempts to instil distrust of our dear leader. By now there were murmurings that the acts were not carried out by a crazed loner but a certain proscribed oppositional group. Deprived of the means of agitation, they were resorting to attacks on little defenseless animals as a vehicle for their grumblemaking. Outrageous! Sad!

Well, all their members were duly apprehended and executed. But still the kitty-cat barbarities continued. Certain other forces now suggested that other still shadowier forces were at work, and a war commenced that still rages to this day, but details are not yet forthcoming. Over to our right is the remains of the Hippodrome, where once Emperor Justinian sent his general Belisarius to kill ten thousand racegoing spectators so as to restore order...

No, lady, I can assure you that you foreign tourists are perfectly safe. If there’s one thing even more sacrosanct than stray cats, it’s the wonderful foreign visitors that swarm into this city with their dollars and questions, who poke so delightfully into everything without knowing what they do, or why. We love you all, and would never suffer your lovely pink bodies to be exploded or gutted. Perish the thought.

Your safety is pledged by the ancient Instanbullian tradition of hospitality, and so you’re most unlikely to end up disembowelled on the public street or worse. Rest assured, you are nearly completely safe. What? Oh, who could ever guarantee anything a hundred percent?

Well, here we are! The Hagia Sophia itself. Isn’t she beautiful, ladies and gentlemen? Holy Wisdom incarnated in marble and stone, able to span the faiths and most assuredly an eternal symbol of human sagacity and optimism. Funnily enough, the notes left scrawled in cat blood by Haruspex spoke of this very place as the site of the attack that would bring on a spiral of retaliatory actions provoking the end times. Nonsense, of course. No, never caught, sir. Still at large, as they say in the detective stories.

Now, as we step into the very boundary between west and east, between Europe and Asia, I would like to... Look at all the cats! Why are they running like that? What made them swarm so? Rather unusual, to be sure...

Calm yourselves, please, ladies and gentlemen. That woman is just a street performer. Doing a blood dance or something, one of these modern things. Nothing bad can happen to you here, you are under the protection of our beloved leader, you are our guests. Here come the soldiers to protect us, perhaps we should all get down? Risk being swarmed by maddened kitties, yes. What else to do?

What sir? What do you think that is, you dolt? It’s gunfire. Nothing to worry about, just get down and take your chances with the cats. Down everyone, don’t mind the sound of the wailing, she’s just a crazy cat lady.

Ugh, goddamnit! Allah kahretsin! Çüş! İmdat!

Sokak kedisi!