Test Run

Dystopian flash fiction

A.P. Murphy

Feb 07, 2025

"Sign here, and... here."

"I uh... I can't really write."

"You can squiggle can't you?"

"Uh, yeah."

"Then squiggle here and... here."

Lolly did what Raquel said. This was the moment. Lolly would have a spot on the biggest talent show ever to stream, a place on literally billions of retinas.

"What you gonna do for us, Lolly?"

"I... uh dunno. Hadn't thought so much about it. Never thought I'd get the chance."

"What you gonna do with the royalty payment?"

"Thought I'd get a replacement hip for my grandma. She sure hates hobblin' around the apartment. In pain some. Maybe could get outside, walk around. She'd like that."

"That's nice. Well, you'll be up in... two minutes."

"So soon? I wanted to tell my folks."

"The slot's coming up right now. You in or out?"

"Jus' let me send 'em a text…” Lolly’s lips moved a little as the texts were spoken, the sure sign of a never-taught. “Okay, done. I'm in, Raquel."

"That's fine, Lolly. Come with me."

Lolly stood up and followed Raquel down a stark white corridor. The texts started coming in, murmuring softly in Lolly’s ear:

luki u

nock em ded lolly

u cin do it

we rootlin for ya

There was one chance and one chance only at this test. Maybe Lolly should've prepared some. But preparing was never Lolly's thing. A song? A pome? How about a joke?

Raquel led them into a big room like a parking garage but all lit up. There was a big SwaziKar right there: the matte black paintjob, the big red-and-white sigil. Looked big seen up close. Distinctive.

Raquel handed Lolly over to a pair of technicians in body armor and walked away. Not even a good luck or a fare-thee-well. Just stepped in to the corridor whence they'd came and shut the door.

The tech guys pushed Lolly into the driver's seat of the SwaziKar. They strapped in.

"Fellas, I don't really know how to drive," said Lolly.

"Don't sweat it, the Kar does the drivin'" said the tech with the headset. "Name?"

"Lolly Berl-"

"You been informed of the conditions of this test?"

"Uh, yeah, sure, they told me-"

"You here of your own volition?"

"What's ‘volshon’?"

"Okay, your're good to go. Look into the dashcam where the light is red, 'kay?"

"Yeah."

"When the light is green, you're on, you do your bit, right?"

"What about when it stops?"

"Okay, five, four, three..."

He closed the door and signalled two, one with his hand, then pointed at the dash. The light was green.

"Hi, I'm uh, Lolly," said Lolly. "Wanna tell y'all a joke. Ready?"

Lolly remembered to do a big smile. Literally billions of retinas were scanning this moment. Not fazed though. Doing well.

"So there's these three guys go into a bar. A Catholic, a Protestant and a Jew. No, wait, not a Jew, a Hindu. Or, like, a Mexican. Yeah, a Mexican. So the barman looks at 'em and says, ‘what'll it be, fellas’? So, actually it was an Irish guy, a European and a Mexican. Yeah. ‘What'll it be, fellas’?"

Blank. Lolly was blank now. The joke was receding into the distance. Was it a Catholic Irishman or a Catholic Mexican? Something to do with soccer.

"So there was a soccer game playing on the screen in the bar. And the barman said, ‘What about Italy to win’?… So there was an Irishman, an Italian and a Mexican, and they said, ‘Italy to win’. A tequila. Uh... ‘Begorrah suck my dick, boyo. Top o' the morning, I'm real gay so I am.’"

The light went out. Then red. That wasn't a minute.

"Hey," said Lolly. "Guys, that wasn't a minute. You need to give me more time. Let's start over. I remember it now. It was -"

The car started moving, accelerating fast. This was kinda cool, Lolly had never been in a car before, not one that was moving. Plenty that was derelict on the sidewalk, but not one that was moving.

"Hey, this is kinda cool," said Lolly. Made a big smile into the dashcam. The acceleration was exciting. Big white wall ahead, marked with checkmarks, numbers. Red stain across it, still dripping. Coming closer real fast...

"SwaziKar live test 4303, result negative outcome."

Pauline had to raise her voice to make herself heard over the clean-up dozer and its grating screech as it pushed the wreck into the cleanup trough.

"Prolly just wipe that one from the test record, we been getting too many negatives today," said supervisor Boris.

"Okay, that one's a wipe."

"Never get a Full Self-Driving Certification with a ratio like that. Need a little massaging, you know?"

"Rog. How many more today?"

"Techs need to adjust the system, then there's another fourteen runs before end-of-shift. Fifteen minutes and we’re up again."

Just time enough to catch the latest streams from Stream Test Dummies. Pauline and Boris settled into the break bench. Their eyes blanked out as the retinal streams surged in.

Unfortunately, ruled the show’s producers, Lolly's gag couldn’t quite make the cut. The ethnic comments were considered quite offensive, at least borderline. Maybe for a catch-up stream in the downtime. Sometimes these kind of cringe bits achieved a certain virality. You never know with that kind of material. Throw it at a wall and see if it sticks.